You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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