Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
