first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Boobs speak an international language.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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