Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Randomize
