We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I am spending my child support on dildos
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
