you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
