The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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