I'm pants shitting drunk right now
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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