Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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