i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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