i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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