So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
