Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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