I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
