i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
