I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
