Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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