I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
