I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
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I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
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