Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
