I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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