I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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