Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
