You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
