I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
