apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
