OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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