roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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