I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
