Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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