We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
