I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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