I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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