I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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