i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
