I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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