at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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