Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
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I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
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Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.