I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
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