I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.