John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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