dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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