dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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