my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
