Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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