They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Randomize
