my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
