Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
