I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
