Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
