It's like God shit irony all over that family
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
