you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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