You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
