omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
