Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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