dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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