Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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