Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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